Leaving my 2-year old at the daycare this morning, left a very bad taste in my mouth. Since I am almost 37 weeks pregnant and having a harder time keeping up with my daughter’s social and everyday activities, we decided to put her in the daycare for couple of days a week. It should give me a chance to reorganize the house, make room for the little one, move Elyana into her new “big girl’s room”, and to simply catch my breath from constant demands for attention and unlimited energy outbursts of the 2-yr old.

This is her first week at the daycare. Even though she’s not new to it, she went there for a brief period when she was 18 months, few months have passed in between. And today is her 2nd day there without mommy, so she probably knew that my intention was to drop her off and leave. As we got there, she started making her sad face as I was holding onto her. As soon as I started to let go and making moves towards the door, she grabbed onto my leg and started screaming and crying. The teacher had to grab a hold of her, so she doesn’t run outside after me. As I was walking away, I kept hearing screaming and crying and sounds of pounding on the door.

And that brings me to my topic, am I a bad mother? Before I got too deep into my pregnancy, we used to go on the playdates with other toddlers and their mommies. Most mommies are stay-at-home and their kids are pretty much with them all day. I keep thinking to myself, do they enjoy spending every minute of the day with their kids more than me? Or are they just being patient and don’t let it get to them? I love my kid, it’s just sometimes I feel like she is too much and I need a break! Maybe it’s worse now because I’m pregnant, huge and hormonal.

So that’s what I do sometimes, I think, how do stay-at-home moms handle it? When I see them, they all look happy, satisfied and pleasant. Are they ready to rip their hair out behind the closed doors sometimes? Do they snap at their kids? Do they ever feel helpless and stuck? Now I have a much greater respect to stay-at-home parents than I ever did before.

Before I thought to myself, it must be easy to be home all day, all you got to do is watch the kids and clean up the house. I bet they sit in front of TV for half a day, because they don’t have much to do. Now I realize, that working and dealing with logical adults is easier than putting up with unreasonable demands of a toddler, their wild energy outbursts and erratic tantrums. And then I ask myself, if some people can put up with it all day, why am I having a hard time?

Well, for now I am hoping that she will get used to daycare again and I will start to feel better about dropping her off and myself as a mother. I know that she really loves it over there. When I pick her up, she keeps bubbling and when we get home she is singing and dancing and begging for sweets. She is a happy kid and I intend to keep it this way.

I know that eventually I would like to get back out into the working world, probably when Elyana starts VPK and the little one is over two. I guess right now I just have to be patient and get as much education behind my belt as possible to be marketable again in the working world. I’m planning on starting back at school part time in May in order to continue my master’s degree. Hubby is supportive of my decision and is willing to help out with the kids as needed. I think getting my attention on other things besides the household will do me good.